On “Self-Pity”

Among those words whose usage has seemed to me sloppy and suspect in a nasty sign-of-the-times way, “self-pity” is right up there with “deserve” and “entitlement.”

This is not because I deny that a person might feel sorry for themselves to a degree that is somehow excessive. (Indeed, while I think that great caution is in order when we speak of others’ subjectivity, I will offer a possible standard myself — that if one’s pity for themselves makes them hurt themselves or others it is likely to have become unreasonable.)

Rather my problem with the word’s use is that we hear the word employed less as a descriptor of an emotional state than a judgment on a person for being in that emotional state; a judgment not on what they have done, or plausibly might do, but rather for feeling a certain way — or, more precisely, for what the person making the judgment thinks they may be feeling, and why they think the other person is feeling it, with the excess on the other person’s part a matter of their deeming that feeling “too much” on grounds to which they probably have not given much, or even any, thought, before inflicting their opinion on them.

Usually this says much, much more about their lack of empathy, sympathy, concern for the other person *and their own lack of humility about their ability and right to assess a situation of which they may know nothing and for which they take no responsibility) than it does about anything else, the legitimacy of the other person’s feelings included (just as is the case with our use of “deserve” and “entitlement”).

In short, it is that all too familiar matter of sanctimoniousness-in-defense-of-callousness which seems to me ever on the increase, with the Ngram score for “self-pity” seeming yet another piece of evidence in support of that suspicion — its incidence doubling between 1973 and 2013.

Originally published at https://raritania.blogspot.com.